Have you ever had a moment that makes yourself stop and think? These moments are ones that you need to pay attention to.
I had a moment today while in the car. To help paint a picture of the build-up- I will be vulnerable for a minute. This week has been a weird one. A doctor’s visit that made me stammer not once, but twice “I just have not been to a doctor in a while,” all while trying to pick the perfect spot for the clipboard to go. I eventually decided that the floor was the go-to spot. I kept moving my falling, down jacket back to the top of my purse that was sitting in the chair next to me. The nurse was being really nice for someone who looked like a hot mess.
That doctor’s visit turned into getting labs done for potential issues in my body. Blood is a whole other beast to conquer for me- well and needles. Again, found myself blatantly saying, “I am not going to look at what you are doing because I hate needles.” And I did not. I held it together, thanked them for taking my blood; then had a cry fest in the car because I had just willingly accepted a huge fear, and lived to tell the tale. I wiped my tears and held my wounded arm dramatically as I drove home.
The anxiety of not knowing something, takes a hidden toll on oneself. I found myself bringing up other parts of my life that I know are not where I want them to be- and started to cry again. Yet- I tell myself openly that I am working on it, and will get there. It is not being weak; it is being human. At least that is what I tell myself.
Then that moment happened, I just smiled. I smiled while singing at the top of my lungs. Tone-deaf as ever. I will admit, my voice broke. I had not experienced a repetitive series of ‘lows’ in a while. I was telling myself, ‘tomorrow, you will feel better.’ Was I lying to myself? No. I think it is easy to fall into a pit of ‘wtf was that?’ It is being hopeful that the next morning, it will be less difficult to get up.
Today though, I told myself, ‘what have we learned this week?’
The List
- I am not perfect and will never be perfect. Accept what it is, reflect.
- For the few things I do not have, I have earned and have worked for the plethora of things that I do have.
- Growth takes time, it is not a sprint.
- I can not control everything.
This day began still wondering and worrying. Midday, I pulled myself out of a mindset I do not like entering. It now comes to a close being grateful that the tests were negative. Being grateful I am in a spot where I can tell myself that I can see the improvement I have made. It is knowing that ‘snap out of it’ moments are true blessings from God or the universe.
Danae Decker 