The Woman Who Shaped Me to be Independent

I was raised to be an independent woman. That philosophy has laid the foundation to the woman I am, and the woman who I will become.

I remember we had workers on the outside of our house in Buffalo, KS. It was summer, and I sat in my kiddie pool. I was wearing my scandalous one-piece swimsuit with an opening, exposing my back. I felt a wave of vulnerability and uncertainty as I looked at the strangers in my yard. To which now, I perceive as one of my earliest memories of being embarrassed. Embarrassed that I was in a one-piece swimsuit with my back exposed.

I don’t like feeling embarrassed. I don’t like how it creeps through your body- making your cheeks flush and your fingertips tingle. I’ve read that your backside is one of the most vulnerable spots of a person. You can’t see what’s going on back there- you just have to do your best to protect it. Perhaps the phrase, “I’ve got your back,” literally means, “I will watch it, because I know it’s your weak spot.”

My lack of love for feeling embarrassed meant that I pushed myself harder to do everything right. I wanted to be the best, and excel. Though, feeling embarrassed is not the only factor that pushed me to be outgoing. It was watching the woman who nurtured me. My mother, Jennifer. My mother raised me to be kind and ‘to never be dependent on a man.’

Even though hard times were had some times, my mother marched on. My mother was a single mom for a little while. She held down multiple jobs at a time, and still managed to make sure we had a hot meal on the table at night.

I have watched first-hand as a child, my mother interact with folks as a waitress, a bus driver, a CNA/Cook, and most importantly- a decent human-being. Getting to go to work with Mom as a kid was fun. The most important trait she instilled in me, was to be independent. Granted, probably why I begrudgingly ask for help when needed now.

My mother did not smother me. She let me figure things out for myself and come to conclusions by myself. She guided me when I asked for insight- and still does. When I felt heartbreak for the first time, she let me stay home and cry. Granted, that heartbreak was a quick, teenage fling with a college guy. I did not know at that time how much more severe heartbreak could get. That is another topic, for another time.  

I once had a conversation with someone about how men like women who can be damsels in distress at times. That comment resonated with me because I was raised complete opposite of that. Naturally, my mind jumps into hyper drive thinking of that statement. 

What would I be doing to myself if I ‘played dumb,’ on purpose? A lot. I would be lowering my own personal standards of being able and capable. It is not a bad thing to accept help when you feel you actually need it. I will admit, being a strong-willed, independent person makes it difficult asking for help.

I had a conversation with one of my childhood friends who knows me too well. We were talking about dating and one of her statements made me laugh hysterically, “You’re intimidating bruh.”

Women who know what they want can be perceived as intimidating or ‘too much.’ We generally want to know where we stand with someone or have little room for uncertainty when it comes to something in our lives. We know that we hold the cards to what shows up in our lives, and have a general plan on how to work through obstacles that decide to make a grand entrance unexpectedly.

Overall, I am not talking exclusively about dating. The expression that my mother said to me of not getting dependent on a man, has evolved into so much more.

Respecting myself. Knowing when to walk away from something or someone that no longer serves as a healthy person/thing in your life.

Being someone that I can rely on. Knowing my limitations and honestly my tolerance level of BS that I will accept.

Working towards whatever I want. I have always wanted to be a published author- so I did it. It took me a few years to actually write something worthy, but it’s out there now, and I am very proud of it.

Positivity. I caught myself writing harsh reminder notes to myself towards writing the end of my book. I was not focusing as much as I needed to. I put them in different spots around my place. I took them down after a day or two as it worked against my self-improvement journey. Sometimes I can feel down, but after working towards being a better version of myself, I enjoy being a positive person.  

My mother started my journey of wanting more for my life. She told me from the beginning to not be dependent. So, in my natural fashion- I take that comment, mold it, and remember where I started- as I continue blazing my own path.