I ran down the trail. Loose gravel under my hiking boots were making it impossible to run quickly. My sobbing filled the rather peaceful surroundings. I tripped over a tree root. I fell as if an invisible someone shoved me from behind.
I rolled onto my back to try and catch my breath that felt like it was trying to run away from me still. I laid there looking up at the leaves swaying along to the rhythm of the creek nearby. I was bleeding from my scrapped knees.
I gently pulled myself up with legs that felt as if they could not stand on their own. It was not the fact that they had just been fallen on. It was the reason I was running away.
I slowly walked towards the sound of the creek, and found myself walking into an opening in the forest. In the center, stood a rock fireplace that looked weathered. I walked to the fireplace, instead of the creek at first.
It had hearts carved into it, with initials in the middle of them. There were maybe hundreds of hearts carved all over this beautiful, stone fireplace. I lost interest once I ran my fingertips over a particular heart. I walked to the stream of cold mountain water that snaked its way through this serene meadow.
I needed to rest. I glanced back at the stone fireplace. Tears started rolling down my cheeks as I remembered.
I remembered the summer before last when we found ourselves in this same meadow. We found this same fireplace, with multiple hearts carved all over it.
Before carving our own heart into stone, we ran through the meadow. He chased me like we were five-running through the playground trying to tag me.
“Come back here, my love!” He shouted amongst the silence. “No, you will never catch me!” I yelled back, giggling. He did catch me. He caught all of me.
He caught my mind. He caught my heart. He caught all of me.
I fell so quickly for him. And now, I am lost without him. He left me.
He left me to live among others that were still in love. Left me to be by myself and question every decision I make, because he was not there to give me the opposing view.
He left me to a king size bed to share with no one- except myself. The gentle morning kisses would be no longer.
There would no longer be a second plate at the table. No more arguing back and forth on who was right in their morals and beliefs. No more sipping wine on our front porch, watching the dark starry night.
He left me to live in a world without him. To live in a world that I no longer felt the warmth of sunshine, and felt the kindness of stranger’s smiles.
I see agony. I see pain that I did not see before. I see the sadness and hatred that this world has- but I was oblivious to. I was oblivious to it, because I was in love.
In love with our future. In love with the notion that I could come home and curl up into his arms when I had had a bad day.
Those were not even the worst of my bad days. I have spent most of this month drunk and in a haze of regret. Regret that I did not get the chance to say goodbye to the man that proposed to me in this meadow.
Shame of not being in the car with him the night of his accident. I was not there to comfort him as he slowly left this world- without me.
I never got to say goodbye. Goodbye to the man I wish I was laying beside right now.
Danae Decker 