Have you ever just hit a wall mentally before and instead of putting it in reverse and backing up like a rational person would, you keep slamming into the wall?
Your body is stuck in drive and all you’re focused on is trying to find the problem and fix it. But, you can’t stop from continuously slamming into the wall even though, taking your foot off the gas is an option.
But it doesn’t feel like an option. Because you are a high functioning person. You are not supposed to feel weak. You are happy most of the time. You are that person that people go to when they are hurt, or sad. You are the person who comforts others and cares for others. Why are you feeling so numb and sensitive? You’re not supposed to feel this way?
But you do.
You frantically search for the one bolt within you that needs tightening. You search for the one routine that is off. You question every aspect of your life. Was that decision the best decision?
Your body is panicking. You can’t afford to randomly cry in the middle of the day. You can’t because you don’t have time for it between all of the other obligations in your life.
The funny thing about being a high functioning depressed person, you start questioning if you should do more. You start looking for the missing puzzle pieces because hey, adding to the already long to do list in your life will solve this issue. You’ll forget about the feeling of doubt, the constant knot in your stomach. You’ll forget about waking up feeling like you want to throw up every morning.
That is mere sarcasm. Adding to your to-do list, is not a solution for everyone.
Because to high functioning depressed people- not being okay, is never okay. We do not accept that as an answer for our rolodex of emotions. We consider that to be a plague that just needs to kill itself off. The reality though: It is okay, not feeling okay sometimes.
The cold, very blunt hard facts, book thrown in your face truth….
Depression is something that should not be hidden away. The quirky part of the uninvited mind guest is that, it takes many forms. Everyone’s journey is not the same.
Sometimes, it makes itself known for only one week out of the year, sometimes, it makes itself present in your life for a lot longer.
If you are feeling lost or uncertain- please reach out to someone. It’s okay to ask for help.
We grow, by what we go through in life. Stay strong, love. This too shall pass. (Or become easier to manage)
Danae Decker 