I had a thought spawn from a conversation I recently had. “Would you let him have a mullet?” A question was asked in regards to if I’d let my significant other grow a mullet.
Other ideas and thoughts I’ve had about other topics synced with my reply. I chose to dig deeper and ponder it later after the conversation had ended.
In my opinion, it’s a general stigma that when women enter into a relationship, they try to change their male significant other by altering things about them. (I can only speak to this relationship dynamic as that is what I have been in. So using it as an example.) Changes such as how they dress, their appearance, how they do things, etc…
I will be the first to say that I have been guilty of disassembling a significant other before. I took on way too much and assumed more of a caretaker role or a roommate that did more than their fair share. In terms of appearance, I don’t think I’ve ever been the type to tell someone else how they should look. If someone were to ask my opinion, I’d give it. But it’s not my place to tell someone how to appear looks-wise. As I pondered more, it occurred to me that some people who are more go-getter, get stuff done, kind of person may take on too much when areas are lacking.
This means, that in a relationship dynamic if one of the couple is lacking in responsibility or just in general, the other one may pick up the slack because they don’t want the team to fail. A relationship will fail if one of the people in the couple refuses to pull their weight.
After I started dating again, I set perimeters of what I would do and not do. With my current significant other- I was allowed valuable feedback about my role in the relationship. I was not there to ‘mother’ him. I was not there to essentially cut his limbs off and sew them back on.
It’s not a partner’s responsibility to disassemble their significant other and try and change them or control how they operate. Read that again.
In my relationship, I’ve wondered why I feel so much at ease. Loved. Appreciated. It is because when I tried to hijack the reins for the entire relationship early on- he shut me down and reminded me that he is a capable human being. That I can trust that he pulls his share and he is able-bodied.
Huh? I’ve thought. This is a welcome change to what I have experience with. I’m personally excited that I don’t have to be a receptionist for another’s life. But an equal partner. That I can worry about myself and ‘us’ but know that he is there to stand by my side. A trusted partner.
I think both men and women who find themselves disassembling their partners need to reflect and ask themselves a couple of important questions.
- Are you doing what your mother or father once did to their spouse? Or are you acting out of anxiety to control all variables to make the atmosphere of the relationship more appealing for yourself- without caring what it does to your partner?
2. Is your spouse not pulling their weight? If not- it’s time to have a real conversation about the relationship dynamic. It will be hard to let go of the reins if you’ve been the one holding them. But your sanity is more important than being in control of everything.
In my opinion, a relationship should be two people. Not one controller and a puppet moving through the motions.
If there is an imbalance on purpose- cool. You do you. Every relationship is different.
Though if you’re struggling with the imbalance- time to have a talk with your significant other. Don’t shortchange yourself. If you are unsure on how to broach the subject of starting the discussion, I recommend finding an unbiased person to speak with.
Danae Decker 