As I sit here and contemplate the next blog to write, I think to myself, “Where do I even begin?” I start a lot of blogs like this. What do I write? What seems compelling. What is something I could ramble on about that has the faintest impact? What has been on my mind. What has brought me to tears recently?
Addiction.
It is no secret that addiction has touched the lives of immediate people in my family. In more stories than one. The one I can say without a doubt I am still in limbo trying to figure out was my biological dad’s addiction to huffing.
My recent bout of therapy led me to hear the phrase, “He was what he was.” This phrase has served me since- when new little bombshells pop up and I have to mentally deal with them in a healthy way.
Most people can’t talk about their trauma. Can’t shed light on it. My mental state has always been talking it out. Whereas some bottle it up and hold onto it tight- I expose it like the trauma is evading paying its taxes. I don’t want to be a fraud. Especially to myself and how I view myself.
A justification I once used that I recently got rid of in the last few months was considering his upbringing. Was there something in there that made him make the choices he did? Made choices that hurt me and my family?
But then I realize, look at me. I am technically part him and ensure that I run the furthest away from being compared to his faults. I make a choice to be better.
Learning that choice is a big contributing factor to making your life better is empowering. Understanding that choice dictates how you choose to live your life.
I can’t assume why he made the choices he did or why he did things a certain way. I can’t call him and ask him. I can’t confront him in person. It has been a little bit over ten years and I sit with what he did and the choices he made for the 18 years I knew him.
The ironic part about the phase of life I am in is confronting ways in which to improve upon my past experiences. How I can become a better person. A person that cares, yet has boundaries. A person that is not afraid to explore what is best for them and make those known to those that try to interfere? The irony is having to dig into experiences and learning from them. Even if they are unpleasant and you are trying to create pleasant situations moving forward.
I want to be a person that was once in the center of a hurricane, that now is the hurricane. A force of calm. Often times, unpleasant topics try and take your control. I found myself sleepless a few nights ago trying to understand.
I am a logical person. I see something and try to put reason to it. But, sometimes there is no reason at all. Sometimes, what he did- was what he chose- what held him captive- what he was never able to shake. Something that he was able to act normal for a while and then it would pull him in for a few days of binging.
I write this post not for my own benefit. I write because I still can’t grasp why he chose what he chose. Why he treated me the way he did. I write this because I hope those that still have lingering questions, have found some resemblance of calm while they are exploring and unpacking their own lives.
You are not alone. I hope you find peace. A reminder that sometimes, everything can’t have an answer and we must figure out a path forward and how to mentally live alongside the ugly wrongdoings that have happened in our lives.
Danae Decker 