Late at night, my mind reminds itself of the sadness that my bones hold. Late at night, my mind preys on ourselves.
Laughing and reminding ourselves that we still hold pain, sadness, and grief. It’s still there. It comes out in the shadows.
I wrote that past 11pm in my phone notes the other night. I couldn’t sleep. It’s mid-August. My brain reminds me that almost eleven years ago, my biological father died. It is a yearly cycle. Get my feelings, anxiety, tears, anger out before his actual death date.
Then a period of ‘good riddance’ because he was not the best person to me at times comes along on his actual death-aversary. Followed by a procession of two of his favorite songs. Me crying some more. Puffy-faced and saying “you made it through another year, kid.” Kidding, I don’t call myself kid.
I try to always focus on the positives- it is hard when you are still human. Remember the good times, but remember the times that you felt belittled and just unwanted.
It’s not his death that still weighs on me. It is all the big feelings that I have kept inside me. I don’t think I started dealing with all of my feelings fully until 2019 when I went through another big life-changing moment in my life.
I went through the finding myself again phase of my life. “What does Danae want?” Danae just wanted some damn peace in her life. Calm. Good Vibes. Good people.
And here I am tonight. Up again, close to 11pm. “Hello Big Feelings,” once again. It’s okay though. Exposure therapy is my jam. Sit and wallow, then tell myself “Look what you’ve done.”
Not in a negative way. Of course not. Throw that toxic word outta here. I had a good day. I think the highlight was walking around the grocery store placing coupons on items that I would not be buying with the coupons the grocery store had sent me.
I placed five coupons. Ranging from a vitamin coupon to vegan cookies. I think someone will be happy when they can save $1.25 on Colgate. If I were there, I would be sitting at the invisible bar at the store, and hold up a shot of mouthwash. “Cheers, mate!” (Gotta keep it oral hygiene themed.) Groan. I know.
Alllllll of this deflecting dark humor. This folks, is how I cope. How I keep the eye on the prize. Prize? Like a medal, trophy?
No folks, peace. Calmness. Happiness. I have spent a lot of my life in a swirling rotation of just a bunch of things. I have to remind myself that I deserve to have all of those things. That I have softened and don’t want to face the trauma that my past self-had to face.
Softened is not bad. Don’t get me wrong, I can still BS anyone’s ear off, dark humor it up, witty the heck out of the next person. Sarcasm, sign me up.
But softness is not weakness. I now want to be a product of the environment I am in. The one I have created for myself. I want to excel. I want to keep excelling. I want to just tackle new obstacles and challenges. BUT- on my terms. Because we are only in control of ourselves. Hardness leads to bitterness. I have seen it before. If you can’t back down, admit your faults- then you have just royally flunked yourself an opportunity to grow.
This is where I make an approach at boundaries. I think I have written about them before. Probably how important they are and what-not. But they are truly the saving grace, last basket-ball shot to win the game. Just set them. That is all. Profound wisdom I know. There is no secret to it. You.just.have.to.say.NO.
And this is where I leave you. I feel like I just had a therapy session. Cause talk therapy validating my feelings is GOLD. Thank you for reading. I hope you got something out of this, and if not- that is okay. Maybe the next one.
The next one being one of my books I hope. I have written two so far. So- going to plug them here. They are on the homepage of my website- or you can find them on Amazon. “Life in Katie’s Shoes” and “Bloodhound: The Lord Puppeteer Series.” I hope to be a full-time author one day- your support is always much appreciated.
Take Care.
Danae Decker 