Trauma Bonds

I was recently on Instagram when I came across a post discussing trauma bonds and what they do to you.

It outlined the effects of them, and what happens during one- and after you leave one. I tear up as I write this because I personally don’t open up much about myself and the trauma I have endured in my life. Especially to people on the Internet I don’t know.

Though I feel a bit shy writing this, and frankly at times, over it. I think my perspective is a critical thing to share. It could help someone. Reading that you are not alone-helps.

I think that I am able to share what I will write below because I am in a really good place in my life. Both personally and professionally.

I have found a man that is willing to continue to work on himself, and us. A man that has not given up on me in over three years now. One that believes in me and wants me to succeed. Encourages me- even though sometimes- I don’t want to hear his feedback on some of my rough drafts for books.

I am working on that. Haha.

I am also going to give a Masters Program a go again. Send good vibes.

Why I mention the above-about being in a good relationship- I am used to important people giving up on me. Scratch that- I was used to that. I never got the answers as to why- they just gave up in their own capacities. Scratch that again- I did get an email from one of those ‘important’ people after I said enough was enough. That was the most honest they had been in the years that I had known them.

I have taken a look at the different events that have happened in my life. I have looked directly at them, have spun them, turned them upside down. The works. I have tried to understand and make connections as to why I am wired a certain way. (Word wants me to correct wired to weird in, so that’s funny.)

First thing’s first, if you are being an a**hole- call yourself out. But if someone is tearing you a part, even if it is brick-by-brick; you have to say something to save yourself.

“Saying something” doesn’t mean you need to verbally confront the person who your trauma bond is with. You have to face yourself and ask, “do I want this for myself?”

Everyone is on their own timeline for a wake-up call. Some choose to stay while others fight their way out. My heart and mind are cheering you on if you are a person in that spot. I don’t know you- but I have been where you are. Metaphorically speaking.  

One of my wake-up calls to the relationship I was in- was when I was behind an older couple walking into Lowes. I watched them holding hands and simply just walk into the store together.

I was in a relationship (marriage at the time) where I was lucky if he wanted to hold my hand. I said to myself when I saw that lovely couple, “I will never have that if I stay where I am at.”

I spent months, years rebuilding myself. Getting to know myself again. However, the trauma that I had faced post that marriage were not the only wounds I found myself trying to heal.

Where ma divorced kids at?!

Yeah, you. The ones who went back and forth to two houses that felt like you were living a double life.

When you’d finally feel comfortable, it was time to go to the other house. Pack your bag, bring your comfort item, and out the door you went.

For me, I have experienced certain levels of relief in my life. In this present time, I still get triggered, tell myself to not fight or run, but to face it. To say back the hell up- you aren’t welcome here anymore.

Then, I remember the version of myself who went through the experience. Who had to live it, who then had to then numb it so she could get by. Dodge the oncoming bullets as she tried to patch the ones that barely clipped her.

Just a constant state and cycle of running and preparing for the worst. Then some more running, she learned to thrive in chaos. To look ahead and think of all the scenarios of what could happen, and mentally prepare herself for them. Over and over again.

I am tired.

I am tired of living in the what-ifs. I am tired of holding that mental capacity like I have had to do for years. My baggage is heeeeavvvvy. It was time to burn it. So I am.

I am tired of living in waves of fear. Tired of the bullshit that gets thrown my way. I don’t know about you, but I think it is time to f****** live for myself. Live for the happiness that I want for myself.

Let go of the uncontrollable things. Give my mind to the present. To soak in new, interesting information. To better myself. To live life.

I don’t have that magical fix-all cure. I have gone through many types of therapists, medication, journal entries, nights and days of crying to know that there is one constant that is stable and known.

That you are worth it.

You are worth every fight you have to have. Every boundary you have to draw. Every situation that tries to pin you to the ground and spit at you.

You deserve the most wicked, sick life imaginable. I don’t know you- but why not thrive and work towards your version of happy?

So yeah, trauma bonds. They are there. They suck the life out of you. They suck and are bullies.

Take a minute to exhale and audibly make a grunting noise as you do it. Or make whatever noise you feel like. I do this a lot. I also listen to metal music when the need arises to pull me out of the funk.

I am struggle-bus’n to find an inspiring way to end this blog post. But I will end it this way.

It is your story; you get to decide the plot.